What would you do if this was the last day of your life?

It would be all about love. Expressing it to all of those people who really matter who ever doubted that my heart beats for them and is full of the hopes and dreams I had for sharing my best with them.

I’d probably spend a lot of that last day making love as the physical expression of love is something that I would leave behind when I transition. It would be slow and languid with joyous tears and tight embraces. Evocative of deep, liquid emotions that are meant to be shared between two people whose heads are buried deep between the same covers.

What would you do if you won five million dollars?

First things first, I’d retire the housenote and all forms of debt that are attached to our names. I’d pay off both of my sisters’ homes, put money in a trust for the kids and invest a large chunk to live off.

Then what? Much of what occupies my days at current would become irrelevant with this chunk of change. As I’ve mentioned before all alarm clocks would be banished from the kingdom. The official royal time would be NOW and no other notation would be necessary.

I’d travel. But I do that now. The difference being I wouldn’t have to attend business meetings or seminars. I’d go for no less than a month and there would be no agenda. Whatever is around the corner would be just fine as far as sight seeing maps go. Mr Man would be with me and the days would be oh so lazy and carefree.

I would definitely give chunks of money away. I like to give gifts and I’d love to be able to help those in need. But most likely I envision it as a safety net that would give me the confidence to go up on the trapeze of life and take a chance at daring leaps and turns. So it would just be a false sense of security to bolster me as my understanding of the Universe and how it works should already be able to do. This is not real, I can’t fail, I can’t get it wrong and no matter how it looks it will all work out in the end.

So basically what I would learn from winning 5 million dollars is that I didn’t need it at all to accomplish everything I ever wanted.

What do you think is impossible for you to do?

I hate to admit it, but saying it out loud will help move me past it. I think it’s impossible for me to make a good living from my art. Even though I have resisted articulating that, it lurks below the surface and impedes my progress.

Why have I thought it was impossible? Because thinking about turning it into a career robs the joy from painting. As a career it needs to be pleasing to someone besides me. It ceases to be my escape – my pleasurable foray into my subconscious abyss. It becomes an object that can be judged as good or bad and may be found lacking or unworthy. someone would attach a value to it – and any amount would be too small. Yet I could give a piece away and feel perfectly at peace. It’s complicated.

This started off rather negative but I have written myself into a more positive place. I know that I know how to make money and have a good life in the material sense. But I also know how to go within myself and create and that doesn’t have to be for money though eventually it may lead to prosperity. It’s the feeling that counts. The unending creative well that allows me to churn out more and more – better and better all the time.

Thank God for the Freaks

Thank God there are people who dare to dream and reject the status quo. How else would there be music, art, beauty in this world? What if everyone were afraid of where their next morsel of white bread was coming from?

Right now I earn six figures because I’m too afraid to quit my job and create millions. But I’m getting there. There is an endless well of creativity within me and that is the key. Competition leads to an early grave, lack of fulfillment and misery. When you are doing what you are meant to do the experience radiates joy. Others are naturally drawn to you and prosperity is the icing on the cake.

I enjoy being different. Yet a part of me clings to status enough to limit my true freedom. I don’t care enough to waste money and energy on things that others declare ideal without finding some resonance in myself to inform my decision of what I prefer. BUT I am currently trapped by a small part of me that gives a rip about my imgae. I’m not saying I should throw it to the wind and just let myself go. But I should do what I want because I think it’s RIGHT, not because anyone else approves.

Your Avatar is a Status Report

What’s funny is that we believe we can have secrets. When in reality the sum total of your thoughts is evident in the avatar you present to the world and the life you are living. Your beliefs shape your reality. Your mental picture of yourself is reflected in your physical appearance.

If your mental image has fat thighs – so does your physical body. It’s laughably simply yet so many have made it complex. Hold in your mind the image of what you want to look like and your body will have no choice but to follow.

When my thoughts of me get run down, dusty and torn, so does my actual physical self. When I cast a glamour of beauty in my mind it transcends the physical and creates a new me for tomorrow. This mental projection of self confidence also affects others in my environment. They rewrite the part for my character in the drama of their own lives. Perhaps today she gets speaking lines when previously she was girl in the crowd 3 rows back. LOL

So the status of my thoughts, doubts, fears, dreams and audacious endeavors is the avatar I have chosen to represent my higher self in this lifetime.

I’m the Star of My Movie

There are as many realities in a given room as there are people in that room. Your idea of what is happening to us will differ from mine – because it is seen through your eyes. Those eyes that were shaped by your experiences, not mine. This is so obvious to me. Yet when I discuss it with others they of course see it their own way. And many times their way is the opposite of mine.

There is no such thing as absolute truth or absolute reality. What you perceive is real to you – though it may be completely invisible to me. What is real? It’s what you believe it to be and it shapes, molds and defines your individual world. I think we are all starring in our own individual movies and they intersect constantly. But your movie never becomes mine nor vise versa.

 I’m the star of my movie. The Prima Donna. The Diva. The ONE whom everything revolves around. And you should be the star of yours. Every action in this movie builds towards a conclusion that is all about ME.

The Matrix Has Me Again

I discovered that I can totally watch the first movie again. To understand how monumental this is, you’d have to realize how many months I wasted on Reloaded trying to see how it could be translated into brilliance in the final installation. Um, it couldn’t. The sequels were bogus cash cows designed to make money. In my reality they have ceased to exist and thus the first movie is a wonderful self-contained gem. And besides Keanu is hot and I can forgive him anything even that foray into ridiculousness. Besides he never told me to invest hours of my life arguing with fanboys on the Internet.

What Were Your Dreams When You Were Younger?

I was a weird kid. I remember being 4 years old and riding in the back seat of a car with my mom and one of her good friends. I imagined that I wasn’t 4 years old at all. That this was actually just a flashback scene from the movie of my life and I got the distinct feeling that I was just remembering being a small child. I was actually a famous person telling an amusing story to an adoring crowd.

I wanted to paint and write and sleep late and dance all night as the mood hit me. I don’t like to follow rules. I imagined myself as a mother and I always knew that when I married it would be someone who looked much different than I do. I imagined I’d have a family like this one:

But now I don’t think children are a part of this lifetime. I feel like my higher self has been a mother many times – a wife, sister, aunt, grandmother and most likely the male counterparts of these as well. I’m content with the life I have now from a family perspective. The two of us do just fine.

What Would You Do If You Had Enough Money Not to Work Ever Again?

I definitely would not return to my day job. I would transfer all personal files from my work desktop and laptop. Then I would write a letter of resignation – giving a two week notice. I can’t help it, I’m fatally responsible and some poor guy who can’t break free of the Matrix would inherit my old job so I’d want to leave things tidy.

I would PURGE the mental files of everything I had ever worked on in conjunction with this job experience. I would physically throw away as much related paper as possible. OK, I’d recycle it. But you get the picture – it would be shredded and removed from my life.

I would unplug the clock on my nightstand and ban alarm clocks from my entire home. I escaped watch wearing long ago, but I would dispose of most time keeping devices in my home. I think the oven and microwave are sufficient time keeping devices and they aren’t in my sleeping space. There is only one time – right NOW.

I would sleep for the first month – as much as I wanted so I could let my internal clock readjust itself to the schedule that is most beneficial to me. I’m a night person and doing days has given me a lot of stress. That’s why I am able to have such good friend sin foreign countries – we are awake at the same time.  And I adore the internet – I’m addicted to staying up at night chatting with people all over the world.

Definitely I would build an art/yoga studio in the back yard. There would be mirrored walls and bars on one end for yoga and Callanetics and dancing to Bee Gees tunes while watching my body in a black leotard. Ha ha. This is my conscious creation, not yours. Anyway on the other end would be tables and shelves and my kiln and clay rolling machine for creating my clay paintings. I enjoy “painting” with clay. I haven’t tried applying acrylics to it, but I think that’s my next step. I’ve done various kinds of pottery, but I think I want to just create canvases from the clay and then paint on them with my acrylics. That would be something new and unique.

I would create reams of artwork and just give it away or decorate my walls with it. I might do the ocassional art show, but my art would be purely for pleasure. Who cares if it sells? I don’t need the money. I’m rich.

How I Paint

When I begin a piece I don’t usually know what it will turn out to be. I like to work on the background until I achieve a feeling of peace. Then I look at it until I begin to see faces or other shapes of interest that can be brought out with just the right shadows, shades and tones. I ask the canvas what it wants to be – and when I am really listening I end up with a piece that I love.